Here In Spirit
by ironoc
Summary: Sometimes things are best left with the body; at the bottom of the sea, never to be found.


The day the water claimed him found her feeling more lost than she'd ever felt before. In fact, she was walking the thin and dingy alleyway of self-importance that let her claim that she was feeling more lost than anyone else. The sky wept for her; with cold, saltless tears and red cheeks. Burning ears and dry sobs of thunder. The sea, however, rolled out waves of mirth, of mockery, and scorched at her heels with ice cold slices of shoreline. The white horses on the waves when they broke gave whinnies of levity that were carried on the fog like nets dragged the sea bed. But still she walked the grey-on-grey boundary where the sand met the water- in layers, which at first came as one or two or three but eventually piled up to the horizon- as if the rope the water tied around her bare ankles could tow him back to her.

That was the day Feferi had met Sollux Captor.

Nobody in the town seemed to know him. She'd asked her friends, her family, her acquaintances. She had no enemies, not that she knew of, and would tend to stray away from such a term as it was. (It was a _disagreement, _not a _fight, _and a _misunderstanding, _not a _hatred_). Nobody gave her anything but a shrug or the shake of the head or a polite dismissal, until she stumbled across one of the waitresses in the cafe two doors down from her own (shockingly empty and quiet) house.

The waitress was simply dressed in a white shirt, a dark, dark red skirt (the kind that seemed anything other than black only when it caught in the rare sunlight) and a serene kind of faraway smile that had nothing to do with daydreaming or general airheadedness. Her mind was not elsewhere; it was a simply engaged. She had dark brown curls that cascaded down her back like a chestnut waterfall, and kind dark eyes.

"Sollux?" she had said, those eyes lighting up but not altering from their rich shade. She tapped her lip and placed the notepad on the table. "It's funny you would ask. He's actually upstairs at the moment- why, are you a friend of his?"

Feferi shuffled her feet beneath the table. Today had not only found her lost, but it had also found her without words; which would seem most out of the ordinary for anyone who knew her. "I wouldn't say that." she had mumbled. Aradia- or whatever it said on her name badge, she couldn't tell, as the handwriting was close to illegible- seemed to just about pick up on her words, but with difficulty. She pulled up the chair opposite and took a seat on it, sideways-on, her eyes sinking with a light pasting of concern.

"What would you say, then?" She searched Feferi's downward turned eyes. "A friend of a friend? Sollux doesn't-" She looked around, and then back again, giggling like a schoolgirl, before leaning in and speaking in hushed tones. "Sollux doesn't have many friends, if I do say so myself. I mean, I love the guy, but even I can't ignore that he spends too much time inside and alone."

Feferi looked up for a second, before looking at her hands; which were folded neatly on the table. "I see. He must have at least one friend, though." There was a dry, mirthless laugh. Somewhere between the tinkling of bells and the sound of giving up. "Because that's why I'm here."

Aradia seemed to be in thought for a moment. Feferi took her chance to look around. She hadn't been in the establishment for a couple of months, despite it being so close to her. The walls had been re-painted a cheerful but calming peachy colour, and the spaces were adorned with small framed paintings, of ships and shores and fishing harbours. Feferi turned away hastily, resting her chin in her hand and looking back at Aradia, who was ready and smiling. "Do you like them? My friend painted them. He's very handy with a brush." Another childish giggle, and a hand held to her smiling lips.

There was a moment of silence, only punctuated by the talking in the background. A second of understanding. Eyes locked and were unbroken until Aradia spoke again.

"Anyway, he's upstairs, as I said. Just make your way up there if you decide to enter the lair. First on the right." Her grin grew wider, then wavered a little. "Just be sure to knock. He's cranky as it is without someone walking in without an introduction. It was nice talking to you—uh..."

Her voice wielded the need for an introduction, which Feferi provided, barely skipping a beat. "Miss—" The word broke in her throat, like an abused ruler. _Miss. Not Mrs. Not even Ms. _She glanced at the ring on her finger, the way the jewels caught the light. Two rubies and a diamond, and it was the most beautiful thing she had ever owned. She knew that she would remain a _Miss Feferi Peixes _for the rest of her life; there was no getting over someone like him. "Feferi. Feferi Peixes."

"Nice to meet you!" The grin didn't waver anymore, although Feferi could sense a flicker of doubt- like the dying of one bulb amongst thousands- in her eyes. She wondered how much the waitress' cheeks hurt when she got home. "I'm Aradia Megido. I hope we can meet again."

And with that, she disappeared, in a flurry of '_enjoy your meal_' s and '_can I take your order' _s. Feferi let her eyes settle on one of the pictures again, looking at it without really seeing it, before standing and taking her bag from the back of the chair.

The flight of stairs that led into the dimness of the cafe's second floor were wooden but well kept; barely creaking under her footfalls. On the left, there was a door which was slightly ajar; and through the gap Feferi could see light leaking through a two panelled window onto a tarnished porcelain bathroom. Straight ahead and to the right were two closed doors. She stopped in front of the one to the right.

She took a breath.

This was it. This was the deciding moment; the moment in which she could let it all go, or the moment in which she could let the memories of him and the _thereness _of his absence manifest in her head like a disease. She could walk away, and she reminded herself of this, but her feet remained stuck fast to the bare, polished wood of the floor. Her fist did not move. It did not knock. Nothing happened for a long while other than breathing and doubting. There was no noise from the other side.

Until.

A voice spoke out. It was muffled by the space and the door between them. It was irritable, but average, and carried a vague lisp.

"AA, I know you're there. Are you really going to stand outside my door like a fucking moron for the rest of the day? Is this your idea of a practical joke?"

More silence from Feferi's side of the door.

Tapping from inside, and the squeaking of a desk chair being turned.

"I swear to god, if you're actually fucking with me I will—"

An unfinished threat.

Footsteps.

Thump, thump.

Feferi's pulse kept their beat, like a couple of tango dancers.

More footsteps. Closer, and closer, until—

There was a creaking as the door opened. Feferi remained rooted to the spot; no matter how loudly her mind screamed at her to run away, to leave this behind, to let him and everything she remembered and enjoyed and had with him go. To just let it go like he let her go.

Then pinkish brown eyes met mismatched eyes. Heterochromia, or something like that, she recalled. Only they didn't meet. They collided. The first ran into the latter, accidentally, and the latter exploded into rage and a lecture of how people should look where they're going or be prepared to get hurt.

She stopped running away hand in hand with her thoughts for a moment to focus. Sometimes she wondered if her thoughts wanted her to join the circus with the.

"Hi," she said feebly. Her voice shook and waved the beating of her heart as a dancer waves a ribbon. "I'm Feferi Peixes. I believe you knew my fiancé."

She would never let it go, she decided.

Not him.

Not ever.

* * *

**This is a bit of an experiment for me right now. I'm still tweaking things and changing the storyline but I think I have it under control! But please review if you'd like to see this continued.**


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